Wheelzinese
Q. What have you not been able to do because of your disability that you regret not being able to do?
A. There’ve been a lot of things I missed out on. Prom, parties, school football games… Come to think of it, I didn’t have much of a social life or even very many friends in high school. I think that was more due more to my shy (read: pussy) nature and not necessarily because of my disability, though. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m extremely shy at first. I’m deathly afraid of talking to people I don’t know. See, I have a very nasally, hard to understand voice that I’m very self conscious about. A lot of times people will look to whoever I’m with to translate, “What did he say?” they’ll ask, as if I’m speaking some strange foreign language. Wheelzinese.
Because of it, it’s very hard for me to make new friends. It’s not like when you were a little kid and the friend criteria consisted of both of you liking the green power ranger. In a way, I kind of yearn for those days. When I didn’t have a trache or feeding tube. When I could eat delicious chicken nuggets and play video games with my friends. When I was somewhat normal.
The truth is– and this is very hard to admit– the only friend I have right now is this guy. I know that it’s my fault. That I have to break out of my shell. But it’s so hard sometimes. I’ll decide to talk to that guy over there, and I’ll start to sweat and hyperventilate and think he’s gonna laugh at me. “LOOK AT THE CRIPPLE!” he’ll say, ” IT THINKS IT CAN BE NORMAL!” and everyone will laugh. And when I finally work up the courage for a, “Hi…”
“Hi.”
“How do you like this class?”
“What did he say?”
Fuck. Fuck it. I’ll go back in my shell. It’s easier, it’s warm, it’s comfortable. It’s… it’s lonely.
October 4, 2008 at 1:52 am
Well that was depressing. Well-written, but depressing.
Just commenting to let you know you do have readers. Even if most of us are quiet.
October 10, 2008 at 11:56 am
you have a lot to say. once people realize it, they will make the effort to hear you.
October 28, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Hey, here via Dr. Rob’s blog…if it’s any consolation, I didn’t have any real friends for most of college, and I am fairly “normal” physically and mentally. I’m just an introvert who had to be forced out of their shell little by little. It was really embarrassing to have no friends and not have any reason for it other than my own lack of social skills. I tutored a lot of students with physical disabilities like MS or blindness and saw how those additional complications made socializing that much more difficult. But I also saw how important it is to put yourself out there, because if you don’t nothing will ever change. For me it did take a lot of awkward encounters and short lived friendships before I found a group I could relate to. But if I hadn’t tried I wouldn’t have developed the skills I have now in dealing with people.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I’ve been there and know it sucks, and that I like your blog.
November 26, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Wow,
By the way, I just wanted to let you know – reading this (and a few of your earlier posts), was like one of the most I dunno how to describe it, but like, it just floored me, and its been like ages since I Have been floored.
Awesome Awesome Blog man.
Sas