Love on Wheelz

“Wanna come over and play monopoly on Friday?” I texted her. We had talked about how no one ever wanted to play monopoly.

“Sure. I’ll be over after work. Around 10 pm.”

I looked forward to Friday all week. I thought about jokes and scenarios and thought up flowcharts based on those scenarios. I know, trying to map out conversations before they happen is completely ridiculous and stupid. But it made me feel secure and comfortable. I had a plan. I was in control and I knew what I was doing

Friday night rolled around and I waited for her next door, at my uncle’s. I wanted privacy from my nurses and my mom. Especially my mom. She thinks women are delicate flowers and should be treated as such. She’d be horrified to hear me talk the way I do.

10:15 – I paced back and forth, up and down the carpet for what seemed like hours. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I’d hung out with her before, but I didn’t like her then. It was the first time I was hanging out with when I liked her. I had to be my best, and my best wasn’t very good to begin with. So I had to be better than my best.

10:20 – “Hey there.” she said as she walked in. Game time. We made some small talk about her work (it still sucked), what I’d done during the week (jack shit) and why she worked so many hours (she liked the money).

“So you ready for some monopoly? I have a pimpin’ antique set.” Yes, I collect monopoly sets and brag about them. Fuck off.

“Yeah, but I warn you, I always get Boardwalk.”

“We’ll see.” Boardwalk and Parkplace are overrated. Sure the rent is a shitload, but buying the hotels will clean you out, and you’re fucked if you land on someone elses property. Plus, the odds of them landing on your hotels are one in twenty, as opposed to the three out of forty on every other color. The trick is to get the middle of the road ones. I didn’t tell her this, of course. I wanted to win. No one, not even her, would beat me at monopoly.

10:30 – We start playing and I land on the “Go to Jail” square on my first go around. I stayed in jail while she bought up all the property.

10:32 – I get out three turns later only roll a 12 and an 8, back in jail.

“I guess I’m just a bad boy.” I said in my best mock porno voice. I love making bad jokes.

“I guess you are.” she said laughing. We keep rolling.

10:35 – Her phone rings, it was a text. “It’s one of my guy friends.” she said, answering the question I was about ask, “He wants to be with me.”

“Oh.” My heart sank. What an asshole, trying to compete with me, I hate him. He probably has the clap. And herpes. Asshole. “So what did you say?”

“I said no.” Poor guy. “He has a girlfriend, so I don’t want to. He wants me on the side, but that’s kind of shitty. Especially since I know her” Yup, asshole.

10:47 – She blows my nose.

10:50 – Again.

10:53 – And again. “You just like blowing me don’t you?” This line works better on her than Nick. She laughs, “Oh yeah, I love it!” I can flirt, who knew?

11:00 – The nurse shows her how to use the suction machine on my mouth. There is a good joke in here somewhere.

11:04 – She blows my nose and, armed with her newfound knowledge, asks, “Do you want me to suck you?” I look at her. There’s a confused look on her face until she realizes what she said. She turns period blood red and she starts laughing hysterical into my shoulder . This is the closest I’ve gotten to a sexual proposition and she’s laughing at the thought of it. I consider sepoku.

11:07 – I have all the red properties, I start putting hotels in. She’s about to pass through murderers row, baby!

“Don’t worry.” she says, “I won’t land on them.”

“You better hope you don’t.” A 10, 8 or 11 will do it.

11:08 – It’s a ten!

“Hahahahaha! Pay up, baby!” If I could fist pump, I would’ve.

“Whatever, I’ll rebound.” she said giving me $400.

“You won’t survive another.”

11:15 – She lands again and doesn’t have the money to cover it.

“How about… $200 and Water Works?” she holds both up expectantly.

“Hahahaha… no. $200 and Parkplace.” I counter.

“Never. $200 and this green one.”

I ponder it. Now, I’m new at this whole girl thing thing, but I’m pretty sure my normal monopoly strategy of raping and pillaging wasn’t very conductive to wooing her. “Okay, fine. But only because I’m nice.”

“You are very nice.” she grinned

“But I won’t be nice next time.”

11:25 – She’s dead broke and coming up on my side of the board. Well, at this point I own most of the board, but still.

“Not a 5, 7 or 8.” she prayed out loud. Snake eyes. “Yes!”

“Not so fast,” I said, “You rolled doubles, go again.” I had an idea of what to ask for should she land.

“Okay…” she counted the squares to my hotels, “Not a 3, 5 or 6.”

“Not gonna work this time…”

“Oh, hush.” she shaked the dice thoroughly in her hands. It’s a 5. “Alright, what do you want?” I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if

“I’ll take… your green one and…” I paused, my heart started pounding. This was gonna be the ballsiest thing I’d ever done or said. But I’d promised myself that I would change, so here it went, “…aaaaannnndddda kiss?” There it was, for better or worse. I couldn’t say I didn’t try.

“A kiss?!”

“Yep.”

“You’re gonna whore me out for monopoly money?” She said with a sly smle. She made it sound so bad.

I nodded.

“Hahahaha.Alright.” She got up and walked towards me. This was it. My first kiss. After 19 years it was finally coming and I did it all by my self. “Muuuuuuuaaa.” On the cheek. God-fucking-dammit. My grandma kisses me on the cheek. It doesn’t count. I didn’t tell her though. My ballsy moves ammo had been used up for the night.

11:45 – She looks at the time, “Alright, I think you beat me. You want to count it up?”

I had a huge pile of money and about 10 properties. She had $5 and 1 property. “Eh, let’s call it a tie.”

“Hahaha, alright. It’s a tie” She said as she packed up the set. “You want me to carry this back next door?”

“Yeah, please. After you.”

“You just want to look at my ass!” she quipped as she walked away.

I smiled, “Well, of course!” I walked her to the door.

“I had a great time tonight. It was nice to relax after work.”

“Hey, any time.”

I was proud of my self. I could interact with girls now. They’re people. People I want to stick my penis in. But people nonetheless. However, with this girl, it was more than that. I wanted her to be my girlfriend.