Loveless Wheelz
When I was in high school, I had a nurse, and my brother had an assistant. Because they worked together, they got to know each other pretty well. They eventually started dating each other. They never hid it from my parents and they didn’t mind. So I always saw them being affectionate towards each other, little pecks on the cheek and hugs. They always looked so happy with each other, I told my nurse that I wanted what they had. That was around four years ago, and I still haven’t come close to having anything resembling a girlfriend. Hell, with the exception of Roxanne, I haven’t had any serious prospects at all.
It’s not like I haven’t tried. God knows I’ve tried. But I can’t seem to meet anyone anywhere I go. I’m too scared to start a conversation with a stranger and strangers never start conversations with me. I’m always afraid that they won’t understand what I say (I have a nasally voice) or what they’re reaction will be like. Just thinking about going up to a stranger, makes my chest and face all red and my head starts pounding, and it gets worse with a girl. Intellectually, I know nothing bad is going to happen if I try to start a conversation. If anything, my disability might give me an advantage because not many people want to be mean to a disabled person (I’m not saying I agree with the special treatment, it’s just the reality of the situation). But that’s not what I feel. What I feel is an incredible fear of rejection. I want everyone to like me because I’m tired of being an outcast. I’m tired of having no friends, no life, no parties. I want to be my age. I want to be an irresponsible twenty year old. I want to experience my fucking youth. And having a girlfriend is part of being young. Because I have such difficulty meeting girls in real life, I’ve been trying dating websites, it’s easier to display my personality through the internet since it removes all the physical limitations, but that hasn’t been much better.
It doesn’t matter what I say, it ends in one of two ways: They either don’t respond at all, or they do but, after talking, they say they’re not really looking to date. Which I suspect is just a nice way of saying they’re not interested, otherwise why be on a dating website? I’m very tempted to blame it on my appearance, it probably does factor in, but I should be able to overcome it. It’s not exactly rocket science here. All I need to do is make them laugh and sound confident in myself. I can do both pretty okay, believe it or not. The key word here is sound, because I’m not really all that confident in myself , I can just fake it real well. You wouldn’t know it if you met me in real life, sure I’m quiet at first, but I don’t shut up once I’m comfortable with someone. I seem peppy and cheerful, but I’m always wondering what people think about me. Can they hear the wheeze in my breath? How much does it bother them? I’m always wondering what people think of me and I need their validation. I guess that’s part of it, the constant need for validation. That’s not my only reason for wanting a girlfriend, of course. I want the companionship that comes with a relationship. It’d be nice to have someone I could be my complete myself and spend Friday nights with.
Lots of people have suggested that I get a hooker if I want companionship, but I don’t want my first time to be paid for. It would be admitting that I can’t get a girl on my own. That, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t accomplish something that I set out to do. Beyond that, the relationship between a client and a hooker is so fake. She doesn’t mean anything she says and she doesn’t care about you. Every action, word and gesture is an act so she can make more money. It doesn’t matter that I’d get off, it would be hollow and meaningless. My first time doesn’t have to be special with candles and roses, it just has to be genuine. I want the girl to want to be with me because she likes me, not because I paid her bills. I need to feel like I can be like other normal guys my age. If I know that I can attract a girl, it’ll make me feel validated and more confident in myself. It’s probably not healthy to base my self-esteem tied up on things beyond my control, but that’s where I am right now.
It’s not even completely about sex anymore. I just want to feel wanted by a girl. Being rejected and ignored so much makes me think that I’m broken in some way. That I’m just built differently than everyone else. That my brain is wired different and I just Maybe there are some girls out there who’d be into me, I’m just getting less and less optimistic that I’ll ever find one of them.
I can’t tell my family this. It’s too personal and embarrassing. I don’t like them knowing that I’m not okay. I’m the strong one. I’m the one that can handle everything thrown at him. I’m always in control . Showing them my emotions makes me feel vulnerable and awkward and completely not in control. It gives them the control. Not to mention having to withstand questions about my feelings. It’s much easier to tell a bunch of strangers about what I feel than them. They don’t even know about this site. It’s my secret. They never see this side of me because I never show it. Maybe because I feel like it’s the only part of my life they don’t have access to, and I want to keep it that way. Very few people who know me in real life know about the whole me. It takes a very special person to know all of me. And, ultimately, that’s all I’m looking for.
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February 14, 2010 at 2:09 am
If what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t pushed your efforts further along, where do you go from here?
February 17, 2010 at 2:54 am
I just keep trying.
February 14, 2010 at 2:22 am
Wheelz, do you know how many 20 year old guys are saying the same thing as you? “I can’t talk to strangers, I want a girlfriend, friends, people to hang out with, ect.” Although the circumstances might be different you are not alone. These are things that A TON of people think about at some point in their life. Keep going dude. I feel that there are some really good things coming for you. Maybe not immediately but you’re a good guy and everything will work itself out.
February 14, 2010 at 5:14 pm
I have been following you for a long time and I truly mean no disrespect when I say this, but I don’t think you are being realistic with your expectations.
In the past I have seen posts in regard to this very topic and it seems like you want a tropy-esque girlfriend or nothing. Intellectually you are smarter than most people your age but you have a HUGE physical disability. Honestly there are not many 20 y/o hot chicks, short of having a huge fetish, that are going to be into that thing. Like you they want normalcy. Being that you yourself want that you can’t fault them for it.
If I recall correctly(I swear I read this on RMMB) you have ruled out disabled chicks simply for the fact that they are disabled. I think it had to do with the limitations imposed when both of your are disabled but regardless you still shun them.
For now maybe you should rethink that approach. Find someone that while not wheelchair bound perhaps has other limitations or shortcomings.
Again I mean no disrespect but if you were an actual friend of mine in real life I would tell you the same shit not just say what I think you need to hear. The truth can truly be a motherfucker at times but every once in a while we all need to hear it.
February 17, 2010 at 2:52 am
No, I don’t want a trophy girlfriend. And no she doesn’t have to be insanely hot, but there does have to be some attraction. And I don’t rule out disabled chicks, just wheelchair bound ones.
February 14, 2010 at 9:29 pm
Dang.
February 14, 2010 at 11:55 pm
@Todd – If the dude’s going to have sex, he needs a girl who can do the work. He’s ruled out women who have the same disabilities he has because they’d lay next to each other not fucking and that’d be pretty counter productive when you’re a 20 year old who’s never had an orgasm.
@HotWheelz – Dude, I wish I had better advice. I’m one of the people who’s suggested having a professional wax your weazel under the scope of ‘Orgasms are awesome and a guy with a normal and functional libido should have had a few before he turns 22.
That said, that advice was all about the physical – and not at all about companionship or feeling desired. And I’d stress that those two things are very seperate things from the awesomeness of orgasm.
Given the extent of your disability dude, being depressed is a fairly sure sign that your brain is wired up just the way it should be an exactly like everyone elses. Comparitively? There’s no chance I’d be as functional as you are if I had your condition. Jesus, I barely cope with my own, comparitively trivial problems.
That said, one of the questions I’d ask at this point is if you’ve talked to your doctor about it, and if you have a shrink?
While a shrink probably won’t give you a hand job, there’s a much better chance that your medical insurance will cover the sessions and will give you an outlet for these sort of feelings with better feedback then the internet. Coping with the depression will probably help cope with the anxiety and etc that comes with talking to new people.
Fundamentally – the more you get out and bout, the better your odds of finding someone.
February 15, 2010 at 1:34 am
@Scootah – I realize someone in the same condition as him is not a possibility which is why I recommended someone not necessarily wheelchair bound but perhaps still dealing with a disability such as an amputee, deformity, etc. Sure we all want the model looking hottie but in some situations that is just an unobtainable goal.
I feel for HW I truly do. Having suffered a spinal injury nearly 3 years ago I have had to drastically alter my life and what I use to do.
February 16, 2010 at 12:27 am
Todd is right, no “normal” hottie wants to be with a dude that can’t wipe his own ass. How is he going to pleasure her? Most women like hugs and door holding too…
I am not a hater and HW’s writing is great. But, the ladies can smell desperation. My advice to HW is to get a life together, one that women naturally find interesting. Then his confidence won’t be faked.
The only way I see this going down, without a “pro” involved, is if HW becomes self-sufficient (doesn’t live with parents, financially independent). Oddballs do get laid (me), but you have to rock it.
February 17, 2010 at 2:44 am
A) I have a tongue you know?
B) If everything goes well, I’ll be moving out to college this summer.
February 18, 2010 at 6:57 pm
College will be a great chance, then. You will be on your own, impressing professors with your writing, and there will be tons of inebriated hotties looking for new experiences.
I know my post sounded harsh, I had just broken up with my girlfriend. At my worst times I am a misanthropic asshole.
A lot of dudes worry they are going to die virgins (I did), but somehow it all works out. Seriously though, go pay for a hand job, you deserve it.
February 18, 2010 at 10:38 am
You are very smart, and you go trough normal phases and thoughts like every guy of your age. If I could, I would very much like to know you irl. I’m following your blog and I hope things turn out well for you. Keep your chin up, buddy!
Best regards from wintery wonderland, the land of Santa – Finland
February 18, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Thanks. Lemme know if you ever want to chat.
February 19, 2010 at 5:52 am
I most surely do want to chat whenever I have the chance. I’m a LPN and work irregulary, but I’m online quite often. Drop me an email ( I guess you can see it?) and give me your nick on whatever IM you’re using.
Have a good day!
February 28, 2010 at 2:45 pm
You have more going for you than pretty much every fucktard on this site:
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/
March 15, 2010 at 6:14 am
Seriously dude, if you ever change your mind about getting a hooker, I will paypal you the money in a heartbeat.
March 15, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Hey HotWheelz,
this has been said before: being independent (going to college, or financially) will help. Also, as Scootah pointed out, it really might be a good idea to talk to someone about this. You’re not the only one with this problem – I have a friend, fairly pretty girl, but she is blind. Guys her age don’t want “such a responsibility”, as she put it. She is an awesome person though, so I’m sure she’ll find that special someone. She is now finishing her degree and set her mind on that. The other stuff will follow once she (and you) sorts her life out.
As for me, my boyfriend has CP. Granted, it’s not bad bad, but I could pick from “better” guys, as my mom put it. But he is such a great, caring, down-to-earth person, and his personality fits mine greatly – I’m most likely gonna end up marrying him. I’m sure he struggled with his disability, especially because everyone in his family does sports, and they’re really good at them. But – he’s outdoing them all academically, and getting a PhD. Not sitting in the corner and sulking about his bad leg. I’m sure that mindset played a role in me falling for him.
All this to say that personality goes a long way. And once you find what you’re good at (writing, engineering, whatever that is), and build up self confidence (you sound like a really fun guy to be around), and go out and meet people, it should get better. College is a very good first step. Just give it a bit more time. I wish you all the best.
March 16, 2010 at 7:50 am
Well, I don’t spend all my time sulking. I’m usually going to school, doing homework or writing. But you don’t want to read about calculus and chemistry. And I’ve been seeing a shrink.
Anyway, thanks for reading.