Love on Wheelz

I have this friend I grew up with. He was always smarter than me. He was one of those kids that always got A’s and had parents that pushed him to succeed. He even skipped a grade. We used to be pretty close, we were best friends. But we grew apart as childhood friends tend to do. I haven’t seen him in a while. These days, he’s directing orchestras and putting on concerts for audiences in Mexico City. He’s only 22.

It angers me to see people my age have so much success. Angry at myself for not being at his level when I know I have the potential for it. I’ve been told that it’s ridiculous to compare yourself to geniuses like him, but I think that’s bullshit. I don’t think I have very much time on this rock and I have to realize my full potential.

Everytime I see someone even moderately successful around my age I get this unquenchable urge to be better than them. It doesn’t even make sense because “better” isn’t even clearly defined. It’s not some dollar amount or anything of the sort. I just want to be better at what I do than they are at what they do. I’ve always been that way, even as a kid. I hated the smartest girl in my class because she had slightly better grades than me. All she did was put in more work than me and I knew that, if I put in the same amount of work, I could do as well as, if not better, than she did. But I never did put in the work because I could coast by with perfectly good grades with minimal effort. I can still coast, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to be good anymore. I want to be great. I want to be on the same level as people like my friend. No, I want to be even better than that.

I think it’s because I care about what people think. Most people that don’t know me have this perception that I’m bedridden. Or that, while I may have goals and dreams, I know they are largely unattainable and have accepted my lot in life. Even my doctor is under the impression that I, “don’t vet out much “. The problem is that most people think it’s okay for someone in my situation to be that way. I see it with my brother every day. He doesn’t go to school, he doesn’t have a goal he’s working towards and all he does is watch TV and kill time on his computer. No one hounds him about it and no one pressures him to push himself. It frustrates me that society thinks this is okay and I have to remind myself everyday not to fall into that pattern. And that, to me, is worse than death. Because at least you have an excuse to not do anything when you’re dead.

Sometimes it’s hard not to fall into that pattern. There’s no grand societal stigma that comes with it, unlike normal people. A 21 year old in my situation is expected to be living with his parents, a normal 21 year old is expected to be graduating college or have a job. Yes, I have more challenges to deal with, but I don’t care. I know that I’m good enough to overcome all of them and surpass most people. I see people like my friend composing music and directing orchestras and my first thought isn’t, “Wow, I wish I could be as successful as him.” it’s, “I know I can be as successful as him… why aren’t I?”. The answer is simple: They put in the work, I haven’t.

Sometimes I wonder why. Part of it is laziness, I suppose. Sometimes I play games when I should be writing. The other part is fear of failure. There’s no safety net for me. I can’t fall back on some part time job. It’s not like I can work as a waiter if I don’t make it as a writer. There’s not many white collar companies that would hire me and it’s not like I can go work construction. Failing, to me, would mean that I’m stuck at home living with my parents or in some kind of government facility for the rest of my life. That’s just not an option for me. To me, it all comes down to simple statement:

Go big, or don’t go at all.

This entry was posted on September 1, 2011 at 12:50 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.