The Creature
I’m depressed. I sleep. I figure it’s better than reality, but I’m having one of those dreams again. I’m back at UCLA and my whole family is there. I want them to leave, but they can’t because I haven’t found anyone to take care of me. I don’t want to have to go back home. I don’t want to fail myself again. I don’t want to live with myself if I do. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror. And I’m terrified because I don’t know if I can do it. But I know I have to. Then I wake up.
I wish they went away, these dreams. All they do is remind me of what I left and what I have to do. I know that I’ll never be able to continue living unless I go back and I don’t know how to make everyone understand why. Unless you’ve ever had something you had to do, you won’t get it. It’s not a rational feeling, I know this. And everyday I wish it went away. But it won’t. It lives inside me and it’s become an essential part of my soul. Sometimes it’s the thing that gets me up in the morning, that keeps me going. Other times it’s what makes me want to kill myself. What reminds me what a selfish spineless coward I am. It beats me down mercilessly until there’s nothing but a shell left. It puts me to sleep with lullabies of hate and broken dreams. And then, once I can’t take it anymore… Once I start eyeing the sidewalk and wonder how fast I’d need to be going and what angle I’d need to take to maximize the impact, it asks me If that’s really all I have. Because if it is, then I should just do everyone a favor and finish it.
Do everyone a favor and make sure you do it right, it says. But if there’s even an ounce of fight left in you, then man the fuck up and do what you need to do. It asks me, is that all you have?
I haven’t answered yes yet, though I’ve come close a few times. But I have too much pride to do it. I don’t like failing and I like proving everyone wrong too much. I know not many people in my life will understand it, they’ll try to argue with me and some will even try and make it harder than it should be. But they’ll never get it and I won’t try to make them understand. Arguing is pointless now, I have to go back. I have to satisfy this creature inside me because I know that if I don’t, if I let it keep going through the cycle of beating me down and getting me back up, it will eventually break me. It might not be now or even three years from now, but eventually, it’ll ask me “Is that all you’ve got?” and I’ll finally say, “Yes.”
September 23, 2011 at 8:17 am
You clearly gotta go back. Your soul is telling you to go back. As Andy Dufrane said—you can get busy living or get busy dying. I STRONGLY suggest the former. If you should have some medical emergency while trying to do school, you’re at least pursuing your dream, and that is something I think you, or anyone else who suffers pursuing what they want to accomplish, can accept. Screw the family. At this point, you are being held prisoner by their emotions. You are a grown man. If you can get the funding, go back. If not, find a way to get the funding, and then go back. You have to get back on your yellow brick road. Every part of your being has expressed that. It’s not your job to make people think your right, or even to make them respect your decision. You just have to do what YOU got to do. That’s all that matters at this point.
September 29, 2011 at 8:43 pm
You expressed this so well…your need to pursue your dream, and how giving in to pressure is getting to you. I wish I could express as well my admiration for how you handle yourself…your ability to recognize an extremely painful situation and write about it so honestly and clearly. But at this point it seems writing isn’t enough. I agree with you, that you have to satisfy the creature inside you.