Dream On
I’ve been having these dreams lately. They’re not really dreams, but they’re not nightmares either. They’re all about being at UCLA in some form or another. This one dream I had, I was visiting for some reason. I decided to walk around the dorms. Everywhere I went people whispered and looked at me. Faculty, students, staff… they all whispered about how I used to live there , but I had to leave for some reason. I came as quickly as I went and no one knew why. It became a kind of school mystery. It didn’t matter where I went, the whispers followed me. “Why did he leave?”
“I heard he couldn’t take it.”.
“I heard it was too hard.”
I heard them in my head, the murmurs of faceless and nameless people. I couldn’t get away, it drove me crazy. I clutched my head and wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. Hot tears started rolling down my face. I couldn’t take the torment anymore, I wanted to take a knife to my brain and slice it into pieces. That’s when I woke up shivering in a cold sweat. I thought about how many times I had dreams like that. Too many to count. I don’t know when they’ll stop. Well, I know, but I hope I’m wrong. I’m afraid to go to sleep anymore, but at least when I’m asleep I’m there. Even if I am suffering.
Roseanne is playing on the TV. I remember that I have homework, I wonder what the point of it is. I don’t fucking care about my shitty community college classes anymore, even if they’re prerequisites for my major. Even if I need them to transfer back, I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I just want to go back to sleep. I want to stop waking up in the middle of my dreams feeling like I can’t breathe. Why can’t they just let me sleep? Why can’t the voices leave me alone? Why can’t they just let me sleep…
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October 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm
I’d call them nightmares, and think they’re the worst kind. The random ones about falling off a cliff or walking down the street naked or trying to escape a roomful of snakes–those are nothing to this, the subconscious beating on you with your daytime fears. Don’t know what to say, except that when it comes to facing fear, you’re one of the bravest people I know. You have an amazing talent for recognizing your feelings and expressing them. I’m rooting for you to work your way through this so you can continue with the shitty community college classes and transfer back…
November 21, 2011 at 10:16 am
I’m thinking of you, babe, I know you’ll find a way to overcome the challenges before you. I’m always here in any way I can.